Growing up Gay: My tryst with sexuality
By Rajat Singh Rajput
Most gay teens in my school were clichés. There was the effeminate guy who would frolic around with his girl friends (mind the space), talking everything gay yet never being accepting his sexuality. Then there was the hot jock, who played *insert sweaty sport*, was ogled at by women yet somewhere deep down he liked checking out his “bros” in the locker room. Then there was the artistic or the literary guy, always reserved and roaming around with one girl. Everyone presumed he was straight but for him the girl was just a ‘beard’. Not to forget the gay bullies, my little bears in making- all strong and big with pubertal hair all over their body, trying to maintain their façade of a homophobic man so that they could hide their deepest desires to be romantically involved with the cute guy of the class. And then there was me- fifteen year old, 95 kg in weight and 5’7” in height with side parted oiled hair, carrying a bunch of science books. I was the typical definition of a F.U.N. (Fat and Ugly Nerd). No one knew I was gay but everyone knew I was a plump, creepy looking geek and well that was enough for them to torment me for most of my school life.
My ‘tryst with sexuality’ started young and by the time I was fifteen I was pretty sure that I wasn’t straight. Though I never accepted that I was gay as either. Now, you might ask what’s so different about me being a bullied teenager, who didn’t accept his sexuality. Don’t all other kids then do the same? Well, I had a secret other than just being gay- I wasn’t a virgin at fifteen.
“Poor kid got sexually harassed!”
That’s what came to your mind? But really, this is no sob story of a molested child.
“Teenage romance maybe?”
If that’s your next train of thought, then I am sorry to disappoint you again, this wasn’t the case either though I wish it was. The only obvious thing left is a hookup.
“A hookup at fifteen! This kid is lying”
Well I am not and there wasn’t just one- there were quite a few of them but then again they weren’t your usual hookups which you had in the privacy of your room on silk sheets. I used to have sex in public places.
“He used to have sex in public toilets!”
Woah, No! Public toilets are dirty. You see I loved nature so I use to fornicate in a forest. Yes, I used to cruise men, I used to cruise men at the age of fifteen.
It started exactly one week after my fifteenth birthday. I was walking in the Ridge area of North Campus, Delhi. I was actually bunking tuition just because I wanted to miss a test, which means my parents didn’t know I was there.
Now picture this- it’s six in the evening on a winter night- well night because it has already starting to get dark, and I am walking through this park-cum-forest which has dingy men strolling through its meandering paths. I was a little afraid but not too afraid because I was kind of enjoying the spookiness-that’s when I notice a man following me. I get freaked out and make a run but realizing that all the entry gates are pretty far I decide to stand in a lighted area assuming that this man, with all his wrong intentions of either stealing from me or murdering me, will not try something if I stood under a streetlight. I could still see him walking towards me and with no one in the vicinity, my fear grew even more. Adrenaline was rushing through my veins and I had started to get jumpy when finally this guy crossed me, and to my surprise he did nothing; except, wink and make a pout. I was still curious and dumb-struck about what had just happened when I felt a hand on my thigh and it was him.
The rest is a blur, but all I remember was that I was blowed and he allowed me to fuck him. In case you were wondering- all this happened in the forest itself.
Over the next few months I visited the ridge multiple times and cruised multiple men. It was like the whole forest was my sex dungeon and, I- its master, and trust me this was quite a change from the bullying back in school!
Each day, I would go to school and be this very obedient boy to my teachers and a joke to all my classmates, while they knew nothing about what my life was outside of school. Interestingly, in the final year of my school I got the position of the discipline head in the school council. This position was given to the most innocent and forthright kid with unquestionable values. The irony was appalling and I was absolutely laughing at it.
By the time I was eighteen, I was pretty much sure about my sexuality (Who wouldn’t be after hooking up with numerous men?) By then my sex-capades in the ridge had also come down to just once in two-three months. I had discovered hook-up websites and mobile apps, but I never regretted that phase of my life. Many kids discover their sexuality through young love while others through forbidden kisses with cousins but I discovered mine fucking men on a rock beneath the moonlight with the whistling trees and twinkling glow worms and I am not a wee bit ashamed of it.
(To his peers, Rajat Singh Rajput is an electronics circuit lover doing a bachelors in technology but within the confines of his room, Rajat is an individual obsessed with anything that vaguely talks about sexuality whether it be movies, articles or for that matter even men. Have a peek in his closet on closetview.blogspot.in)
Growing Up Gay is a series that chronicles the many experiences of growing up as an LGBT person in India. Share your stories of those tumultuous years- personal experiences, anecdotes and pictures- by writing to us at [email protected]