By Tushar M
I sat there chatting to my friend. Trying to advise him about getting out of home and living his life, when he said-
“They will kill me”
How many more such cases will India see? Hundreds of LGBT youth afraid to express themselves or come out because of family backgrounds and political influence. And in my friend’s case it’s even worse – he came out long back. And has to face the consequences of being born in a Jat family.
Across Haryana, UP, Punjab and Rajasthan, there exist countless families where the womenfolk are oppressed, and domestic violence is a way of life. What brings them joy and pumps up their inflated ego is the pride of having a handsome son who fetches a gorgeous bride. And makes her work in misery and follow the kind of lives they show on daily 8 pm soaps. Which, strangely, the very ladies so religiously watch. That’s a life of pride, and honour for them. And of course beating up the daughter-in-law or their own wives when the occasional slip-up happens. Which generally ranges from a slightly burnt roti to attempting to go out with her friends to watch a movie. Boy! (That should be ‘Girl!’) You’ve called for it now!
And what these patriarchal societies revel in is their political clout and their attempts at bringing ‘justice’ and ‘order’ to society by beating up and ostracizing anyone who dares to be different. And even more when that turns out to be their own son.
Being beaten up. Silently killed off. And families staying mum and thinking “It was for the best, for our family”. Honour killings? Of any kind- Inter-caste marriages, open minded women, lesbians, gays, transgenders. Why is logic and love and humanity being thrown out of the window? Why is it that patriarchal societies still exist and guys like Aseem face such torture?
Aseem is the younger son in a typical Jat family in Delhi. He came out of the closet when he was 16; actually his step sister tattled on him. He left home to escape the cruel treatment and stayed by himself for two years, doing odd jobs to support himself. All this happened in a foreign country, and it is simply impossible for an immigrant and a minor to find jobs that pay enough for survival. He lived on bread and water, going without food for days, working as a labourer…that poor kid of 16. Bitter cold winds and just the same pair of clothes, unpaid rent, no food, and no future.
He fell ill many times, and then finally one time he fell so ill that the social service called up his parents. And then he came to India.
Years went by but things, and people, didn’t change. The torture continued. Albeit less, it was enough to cause him to sit and cry; fight and get beaten up. And he got used to it.
A graduate, and working in the family job, he talks to me several times a month.
“So…any improvement?”, I ask.
“I just want to get out of my house.”
“Then just move out! Start a job search.”
“They’ll never let me do any other jobs. And trust me moving out is not that easy.”
“What do you mean?”
“They’ll track me down, create a scene at my workplace if I manage to find work somewhere. And they’ll drag me back and beat me up for leaving.”
“Get police protection.”
“Yeah right. You do know that my family background is pretty influential. So many of them are in politics. The law stands no place in front of my father. And then again more beating will follow if I tell the police.”
God! I was angry by now.
“Take a bloody bat and beat him up! How dare he treat you like this! There is a limit to non-violent opposition…go and beat him!”
“You think I haven’t tried? It happens everytime. The more you fight for your rights, the more they suppress you. And beat you even more. I’m tired of this.”
Damn, I thought. These people are ruthless. A father doing all this to his own child?
“It’s all about family honour. They’ll kill me to save their honour.”
Shudder.
“They will kill me.”
I haven’t known fear like that ever in my life. But even through that chat window I could sense what he felt; I could see him standing there in front of me with his face ashen and his eyes full of dying hope for freedom.
“Call amnesty”
“I can’t. There’d be too much media…I can’t take that”
“Well that’s better than facing this everyday! Plus media attention will stay for two weeks and then just vanish…the media forgets you soon enough.”
“But people don’t. I’d not get any jobs anywhere after coming in the media’s attention. No one would hire me.”
“On what f***ing basis?”
“Because I’m gay.”
“But you can fight for…”
And I stopped.
“Tell me one law in India that prevents discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.”
I was silent. Faced by the shortcomings of my own legal system, the one I had all faith in.
I couldn’t even say “It’ll turn out fine”. Because I didn’t know.
How do I even know I won’t be kicked out on the basis of my sexual orientation? Does my constitution guarantee me the same rights? I used to be so convinced that even if I have to fight for it, I will get it.
But on what basis? Can I go and say “According to section XXX of the constitution, you cannot fire me!”
No. I can’t. The XXX will remain unknown. For a while. I hope there is change. And I get to contribute. And feel that my rights are well earned.
“I think the only place where I can be guaranteed freedom is abroad”, Aseem said.
“Maybe you are right”
I think about all those out there in similar situations. Being beaten up. Silently killed off. And families staying mum and thinking “It was for the best, for our family”. Honour killings? Of any kind- Inter-caste marriages, open minded women, lesbians, gays, transgenders. Why is logic and love and humanity being thrown out of the window? Why is it that patriarchal societies still exist and guys like Aseem face such torture?
Think what happens to Aseem everyday. And he stays in a major city. In the capital of India. Imagine the scene in smaller towns and villages. It makes me shiver trying to think about it.
“They might get me married off to a girl to save their honour. And there is nothing I’ll be able to do about it.”
“Oh don’t worry. I’ll rescue you from the mandap!”, I said, trying to lighten up the mood. “That’s be so typical Bollywood!”
“Haha. Count yourself dead then. Guns in weddings are common. And our people are pretty well practiced.”
Ouch.
This was a disturbing read. Thanks Tushar for bringing out such an important issue…
If the law doesn’t do anything to help, we should. WE can trust only each other. Aseem should try to disappear and go underground. The writer of this article can help. And try to get him abroad. This is one suggestion. We should have a network of people who can help hide him until he can leave India. This is one way of preventing an honor murder.
i m touched tht the writer took the initiative of highlighting this issue… thnx tushar for doing ur best… u have given me hope to get out of this… and may be one day i will…. but i know it will take lots nd lots of efforts nd struggle…. all i m doing is just living with hopes….
This is disturbing. But it is also the reality in most if not all parts of the country. What we need to do is get together and change the system. Hopefully, if we begin now, we will be able to see some change a few years on. A lot needs to be done in awareness creation and sensitisation. Are we ready to get together and do this or are we all going to hide, hoping that someone will do it for us? Unless we fight for our rights nothing is going to change. No one else is going to do it for us. The sufferer is more responsible for any act of violence (physical/mental/spiritual/emotional) inflicted than the inflictor, coz we are not ready to speak up & fight for our rights. Does not mean we take to arms, but we need to make our stand.
I am very touched and moved with the entire article. all it makes me want is, i wish i had some one to talk. i feel the pain as i talk.
again ……… you rock tushar.