Aham, the Me: All Apples Are Not Red

Harish Iyer

“Ohh! Fashion designer hai… how could he not be gay” – said my friend who was cocksure about professions that were predominantly gay. I shook my head in disbelief. I thought an urbane, well read, well educated urban chick that she was, she would not align herself to worldly stereotypes. I retorted saying “apples are not all red”. And she didn’t get the pun. But the puzzled look was so much fun.

We are quick to slate people and professions in compartments. And define rules in our closed minds for them to follow. Anything that doesn’t follow the rule set in our minds is outlandish. By the way, stereotyping and compartmentalizing doesn’t limit it to just clothes and people.

I recently came across an article in Deccan Chronicle, a leading newspaper in south. Hyderabad edition. A story about a proud gay couple who were fathers now. It was through the mode of surrogacy. And in India. The parents were not only gay, but also were physically challenged (deaf and mute). The language used in this article was all lopsided. If you would read it, you would agree that it almost looks like a personal opinion of a journalist finding its voice in the newspaper. I understand that the concern might be genuine. The question “how will the child adapt to an ambiance where the parents are facing two major challenges. We are so quick to generalize. I mean, you could just label a gay guy as an irresponsible parent. And disability? I shared the article with a friend. A straight friend. He said in a chuckling tone “with gays the child will be gay. But here would also not grow up speaking”. Obviously red faced – I was quick to say, again joyously chuckling “is it. So with the same analogy you would be breeding a lineage of assholes”. Poor fellow, he thought I was kidding.

But this got me thinking. We really have no control over where a person’s mind could tread. And what’s most harmful for any movement are these kind of generalizations. A queer friend of mine thought this was progressively regressive. I asked him how. He replied “previously we were just people who dressed “loud” as gay. Now we are careless people incapable of parenting”. He was amongst those many who had lost all hope of an equal society, and did not find it very important to ponder over these issues. I am not here to judge if his attitude was right or wrong. I am here to gauge for myself what I am standing on.

I plan to adopt a child. And while we have had a landmark verdict that lead to the reading down of section 377, such articles remind me of how much more has to be done. I facebooked voraciously, made a petition online against the article and spread the word in the medium I relate to very well – the internet. I should confess that I am unwavering in my intention of adopting a child. “I will adopt a child. And her mother will be a man” … I commented on my own post on facebook. This raised several brows. “So, isn’t it important that the child gets the love of the mother and the father?”…. “ And this isn’t a game for any “role play”. People started inboxing me various concerns. I have to admit that I felt humbled that most of them had no doubt that id make a good parent. But were concerned about the void that the child would feel considering the absence of a female figure. What if the child is not mothered well? I replied “what if I was straight and married to a woman and my wife divorced me, or she died… how will the child be brought up then…” . Anyways how perfect are the perfect families. I know of several families which “look” happy and perfect, but have their own saga of sorry tales. And I have families where there have been two women or two men or a single parent who have brought up their child so wonderfully well.

its all about the right attitude and the right approach. It doesn’t mean that we turn a blind eye to the fact that children born to gay parents would definitely find it a challenging, questions like – are your parents/father gay? Is something the child will have to grow up with. But with the right upbringing and the guidance of a counsellor, the child would grow up like any other child.

Looking at the stereotyping and generalizing and presumptions et al… it kind of looks like it is going to be a long battle in this country. I doubt if the society really is that bad. But we sometimes presume so much and then that presumption manifests itself in reality. I mean, sometimes, if not always. Some people also validate their assumptions with solid “facts”… and the fact is paedophilia of homosexual nature. “Homosexuals can’t be good parents because some homosexuals are paedophiles!!!” So do aren’t some paedophiles straight too. The sin we do is give the paedophile a sexuality. and assuming that all or most gays are desperate and would not wait a second before pouncing on a child.

Hold on people. Stop generalizing. Bad parents or demented paedophiles could be anybody. Gay straight lesbian bisexual intersex transgender – anybody. The law will change. Let us do an attitude check now… people! All apples are not red!