I’m 20 and a student of an engineering college. I’m out to just a couple of my very close friends and they’ve been really nice to me. But there are some bullies in my class who constantly throw homophobic jibes at me because they suspect I’m gay. That’s because I always hang out with my boyfriend who works in the city, and they’ve started suspecting. Initially I tried to ignore their questions and taunts, but that only increased their curiosity and the sharpness of their jibes. What is the best way for me now? To come out and face them openly? Will it bring a stop to the bullying or will it only make things worse if my sexuality becomes public knowledge in my college campus? I do not know anyone else in my college who’s openly gay.
Answer:
How to disarm a bully.
The reality is that there are those that know, and those that refuse to know that we are gay. Nonetheless, there are those that go for a lifetime believing that their secret is well-kept. Only, they look back and discover that they have alienated themselves- not the other way around. No one will claim that acknowledging others suspicions will be easily. It is a high hill, and only steeper, I suspect, with each jibe. Each glare from those who witness or over hear these jibes, yet refuse to come to your defense likely makes the situation more sour for you. And that’s just it. Cowards use insult, injury and innuendo to coerce everyone- both targets and witnesses- into silence. And look, those bullies have proven effective at rocking your core. That constant anxiety can cultivate nihilism. Be not ashamed, each of us has faced such cowards.
Though I’d like to tell you that it gets better, even in the world of work, sadly, I cannot. Heck even adults face kid bullies and the adults who defend the indefensible. Bullies in school often go unchecked, get fed well at home, and grow into strong healthy bullies who have the power to use their jibes to control someone else’s career. What DOES get better is YOU. For now, you must trust that this, too, shall pass. In your darkest moments when you’re anticipating an attack, suffering from the anxiety that at any moment the world around you could explode against you, then try to have compassion for the cowardly lot. See their jeers as sheer cries for help- little babies screaming for mommy’s milk, or any one to come and feed their emptiness. Bullies feed on other people’s pain. Bullies provoke pain on others by projecting their own feelings of inadequacy and insecurity onto others, and the always choose someone they assume to be relatively more vulnerable.
Bullies rely on silence for their effective coercion, yet this is a false form of power. At some point, we all realize that bullies to have to be confronted, because confrontation is actually their greatest fear. You have to confront them and make them come out of the closet as bullies who exploit and harass others, yet you should gather some allies. The point is that you do not have to come out to anyone. That’s your business, and not the bullies to spread like kids on a playground. Confront them with the fact that they were too immature to simply ask you in the first place, and chose to conduct themselves in ways that they would not appreciate for themselves. Confront your other classmates about being mute witnesses. Confront any staff with the fact that this constant distraction threatens to compromise your schoolwork. You may have to make some new friends who have genuine empathy for your predicament. Yet, you may be surprised at the allies and friends already gathered around you, all waiting for you to trust them with your full self, not just bits and pieces. Altogether, your courage will help them get over the shame they will feel for publicly demonstrating such behavior. Moreover, you know that you are perfect just the way you are, so all the bullying is misguided gunk.
-In Solidarity and love
Lavender Bodhisattva
Hey ,
I am an 18 year old engineering student myself . In my ‘high-profile’ public school , bullies were even more bully-some . But never did I loose confidence in myself , I confronted them . When they called me queer i retaliated and when you retaliate things become normal , it balances things out . I know that one feels afraid of the thing becoming bigger and bigger .. but dont worry , as the author rightly said . bullies have bigger problems in their own mind . Another thing start trusting your friends. . there is a big chance that a lot of them too have suspicions , but the very fact that they are with you , and even if they do make fun of you ( it is light friendly humour ) then that is o.k ,.. its similar to making fun of a person when he wore different coloured socks , spoke oddly or smells a lil . So start believing in yourself , you have a boyfriend .. which is a good thing isn’t it . YOu have a relationship which few can claim , use it as ur strength . and confront those ********************************* bullies . Best of luck bud
Hi Buddy, I think you are in college so its better you keep your sexuality secret. If the bullies trouble you just tell them to shut up and say you’re straight. You know why I am advising you that is because sometimes your profs and management could be homophobic too and if you yourself acknowledge that you are gay then, the NEWS can spread in the whole and that can make your life hell. Once you pass out and start doing a job, you can be open if you feel like because then you have the option of changing job(if your colleagues are too homophobic) or your house (if your neighbours are homophobes) BUT YOU CAN’T CHANGE YOUR COLLEGE midway. So, just be calm and concentrate on your strenghts.
I wish you a very happy life and may you and your BF live happily.
Now I don’t know why all Engineering students post, but i’m one too, if that is a consolation. I am a bisexual and that would be just because they call it so. The thing about you telling your friends is a great great cushion for you coz they are the right people who care and who understand @a level no one would even care to connect. Not even parents. It should be not an issue with the “bullies” as they are the ones who are weak @thriving over someone else’s likes as their gossip issue. I say, if you are queer, be proud. I am, coz it immediately gives me a reason to admire all humanity and then of course, allows me to pick anyone from the crowd. Look @the positive side and don’t worry about coming out. Don’t do it @all. Things have a way of coming out easily and without harm, too.
And it’s my strong suggestion to not respond to any of that “bully” that comes from them. Believe me, people get bored and toxicated, doing the same thing, over and over again. I feel comfortable discussing my sexuality and sometimes, it’s just fun, even sharing it with friends. That’s coz I know those friends are the best part of my being.
Hope you digest all that and stop worries. My best regards for you and your partner. Have a great day. Lord bless you both.
Hi,
I happen to read this very late. I am almost the same guy, except for the part of having a boyfriend!
Well, I’ll tell you how I have been tackling bullies. I dodge questions and comments with indirect “keep guessing” remarks and I bouncily walk off
Like if someone says something about me and someone, I say “Oh God! BIG HE is, but not as yours, you top the charts in pettiness 
” He is immediately offended and people applaud for your quick wit.
But I am sure, there would be worse bullying, for which follow the official tip
Cheers!