The Test…

1. Enjoy yourself

2. Be honest with whoever you are having fun with (what the heck, whoever you are fucking)

3. Always be safe

4. Take an HIV test every 6 months.

Oh, let me start by saying again, Prepare yourself for the worst day of your life when you decide to take the test. It needs you to be determined. It needs you to be strong. And it needs you to be patient. It was one week before I was going to turn 26. I was not at all in a mood to go to work. So I called in to take the day off. Ever since I realized I was gay and had started fucking around(once you start and all you want to do is have sex with any moving thing you see, you just need to follow one simple rule “Always use a condom and lots of lube”). And I have always wanted to take a test when I began to realize what it takes to be gay. But for crazy reasons have been putting it off.

I didn’t know if I was ready to handle the truth. But I have been humping for some time now and it’s time to face my demons. I had done some research on where to take the test and how it’s conducted, how much it costs, will it be kept confidential and what not. I had been relocated to the US from India. But even while I was in my country I had always considered taking the test. But somehow I never made it to the clinic. But staying out in the open world alone gave me the courage to take some responsibility for my actions.

I eventually find out that the local health department conducts free and anonymous HIV testing on particular days of the week. I called up the health department and tried to find out about the procedure to get tested. They asked me to come over. So I drove to the place and damn, I got lost. There were too many departments and too many buildings close by and I couldn’t find my way. After driving around the place for about 20 minutes I decided to get out of the car and walk into a building. It was supposedly the main office for the hospital and I wanted to get to the health clinic. I approached two elderly women who were probably volunteering. I told them I needed to go to a particular address and if they could direct me there. But they were all confused and asked me what I wanted to get done. And then I had to say it-”I am here to take an HIV test”. I thought they would freak out. Apparently they were nice enough to not react or say anything at least in front of me. They directed me to the second floor.

I finally went in to a room which said ‘Blood Work’. The attendant there was talking to some other people. He asked me if I needed help. I hinted him to come out. But he didn’t get the hint and for the second time I had to say it in front of an elderly couple. “I need to get an HIV test done”. They stared at me. But I was okay and ready to fight and face anyone that day (just not ready to face anyone I know, partly because I am still closeted. And I still have to learn to do things myself.) Then the attendant asked me if I had any doctor’s reference. I never thought that I need a doctor’s reference to get a test done. So, disappointed again, I began to go back. I was so sure that the place I had reached was not the clinic. So I called up the helpline number again and asked them for directions.

Apparently the free health clinics are usually very small and don’t have big direction signboards. So I reached the place and I had to sign into the clinic. Again for the 5-6-7-nth time that day I had to explain to everyone that I was there for an HIV test. After I filled the application form I spoke to the really nice lady there and she went through the entire procedure with me. I had requested them not to contact me and that my identity be kept a secret. I signed all the paperwork and then she told me to go to the waiting room on the lower floor of the testing clinic. So I took an elevator down and went straight to the waiting room. My wait seemed to go on forever. It had already been 45 minutes and no one had attended to me yet. I didn’t know what was taking them so long. But I decided to not run away from the place as much as I wanted to. This was my chance to take a bold step and learn to spread my wings and attempt to fly. (I come from a culture which values family. We are always surrounded by people we are related to and are there when you are doing anything with your life. And there I was all alone and waiting to learn the truth; whether I had made any mistake that I may have to regret for the rest of my life.) Finally my paper work got processed and I got called in by a nurse. She was in her mid 50s or 60s. She asked me what I was there for. So I said for the umpteenth time that day “I am here to take an HIV test”. She remained calm. She asked what type of test I would like to take. I didn’t know a thing about it. She very politely explained to me about the tests that they carried out. Then she asked me when I wanted to know the results. I had never thought about that. She told me you could get them after a week or you could get them in an hour. Okay, I went into a daze. I could know if I had it or not in an hour. Was I ready for it? Was I willing to know? But I had to make up my mind. I said I will wait for an hour and take the results the same day. There was absolutely no way I could have slept for an entire week otherwise. But then again, if I heard anything unpleasant I could never sleep till I got to terms with myself. Finally I decided I was better off with knowing the truth. I wanted to ask all sorts of questions…would I get to see a doctor if I have it…can you counsel me…can I talk to someone? But I put a stop to my thoughts and got a grip over myself. It was too early to think about everything. I had to take this one step at a time. And breathe. So then she said “Well let’s fill out some forms and then you will be put through a blood test.” (I had recently watched a Sex and the City episode in which Samantha freaks out about her first HIV test…damn! I could SO relate to it now!)

So she starts asking me questions. Do you have sex with men or women? I blurted out men. She didn’t look up but I was sure she had checked women. She asked me again “Sorry but can you confirm” I said “I have sex with men”. She was taken back, I could understand. One thing I know is never lie to your doctor. It is bad. He is your only hope… in case something goes wrong. She continued with her questions. Have you had sex in the last 3 months? Yes. Have you had sex with multiple partners? Yes. Have you had unprotected sex without a condom? No. Have you had oral sex? Yes. Have you ever been exposed to drugs? No. Have you ever done drugs? No. After some Q & As I was finally through and she asked me to go upstairs and get the blood test done.

I went upstairs and there in the waiting room were four kids and their mother. The kids were so cheerful. But I was so not in a mood to entertain anyone. After nearly ten minutes the nurse called me in and then punctured my middle finger with a tiny prick. She asked me to go downstairs and wait. The result would be out in probably an hour. I went down to the waiting room and watched the movie that was playing-‘Home Alone: 1’. I love that movie. I still remember the time we got our first cable television when I was fifteen. I’d started watching Star Movies and that is what they use to run. I loved the series and I relived the moments. Anyway, back to the tale. I was waiting and desperately trying to flush the ghastly thoughts out of my head. I had taken a passive approach. Deal with one thing at a time and keep the fucking thoughts out. Fifty minutes had passed. I became restless. I finally saw my paper work come in. The nurse at the front desk told me that my attendant will be seeing me shortly. But then the shortly never seem to end. It was already thirty minutes and I started to think…I guess I have it. That’s why the nurse isn’t ready to talk to me. Probably she is getting a doctor to speak to me or trying to figure out how to tell a gay man that he is positive. All creepy thoughts began to depress me. I tried to think what if I have it. What all are the things I would have to do-1. Get real about the reality, 2. Inform my brother. Talk my heart out to him, 3. Inform anyone I remember I had slept with and ask them to get tested (though hard, it is the right thing to do), 4. Return to my country and start living by myself. Because I am too chicken to put my family through this shit. Then in the middle of my melodrama the nurse calls me in. I was about to burst into tears but I held them back. She told me that I had tested negative. I didn’t have it. She went on. The tests are accurate for the 3 months window. And I should get tested again after 3 months. But I was relieved. I didn’t have it. I told myself “I don’t have it…I have to love myself…and I have to be safe always”. She told me to be safe and come back again in 3 months and take the test. And the next time it won’t take as much time. I am surely going back and getting the test again because I understand my responsibility. When you are gay and you do things out in the dark and with your hormones pumping, you always have to know what is going on in your body. Find the courage to find the truth about yourself. You owe it to yourself and the person you are in a relationship with. Remember if diagnosed earlier there are surely many things that can help improve or expend the quality of life.

Peace.