The Comic Valentino
Ever heard of the Coming out Ball? No! It’s not a ball in which gays and lesbians come out of the closet and proclaim their sexuality to the world. It is a ball where the premier families of the society present their daughters, no older than (the fresh, flowery, in love with Byron’s man, meaning little virgins) 16, to the society by their “grab a husband” shark mothers to be leered at by the young “in the market” men and groped by the older married men who don’t get sex from their wives. Yes, that’s the Coming out Ball. Sounds exciting, no? No!
Recently, I had a similar “ball”. I have never been a party person. I have always hated the loud music, sweaty bodies, trance music scene. In the reverse order, that is. But the gay party scene always intrigued, yet eluded, me. So, one fine day, I called up my mother (my gay mother, people! Not my real one! Don’t start getting any ideas here!), and said “I wanna go to a gay party!”. He was so overcome with emotion, I am sure, even a gold fish would have been astounded at having being beaten at its own game! To explain, you know how gold fish open and close their mouths every two seconds?? Exactly!
I went because I thought I would get to meet a nice, hot guy and play the game “seduction for eternity”. Wanna know what really happened? Nothing! My “debutante’s ball” bombed on nobody but me! To be surrounded by hot guys, and not have anyone interested in you? It’s like chocolate cake without any chocolate. Before arriving, I had fantasies of being OD’d on chocolate! Instead, I wanted to scream “Where’s my chocolate??”!!
What’s worse? Being the only sober person in the entire party. In the debutante’s ball, the mothers protect their sweet little Byron loving virgins, keep a sharp eye on them, only letting them dance with the suitable boys. In mine, I had to take care of my mother! Seeing that he pukes in the bathroom, and he doesn’t fall off the balcony etc…!! I have never been so mentally tried!!
And that was nothing compared to…… What? You want more dirt? Okay.. I experienced another overwhelming emotion. It’s called boredom!! I was so bored that I went to the seating area, picked an Asterix, and started reading. I was having more fun on the couch with Asterix and Obelix, than with the boring, sweaty, gyrating bodies in the party (according my la la land anyway)! Beat that!! And guess what?? I was attracting attention because of that too!! No, not the good way though.
Even the music was boring!! Who the hell dances to slow trance?? Do we LOOK like druggies on a high?? (Go Chandler!). I asked the DJ to change it to pop, pop rock, hip hop or Bollywood. No! He himself was so busy enjoying the music! Figures when more than half the dancers were trying to figure out how to dance on his dumb track!
When one does go to a social event, one expects that the crowd is snooty enough to be able to carry themselves. What I meant to say is that, one expects the men or women to be able to hold their drinks and not totter around. And I hope you know what I mean. If you are squeamish, you shouldn’t be reading this. What really icked me out was that a single guy managed to empty his entire stomach on to the floor. Yes, he puked!! And right in the middle of the dance floor, and yes, on the floor!! You know what’s grosser?? When you are dancing and you step on it. Yeah! A lot of people didn’t realize they did that. Did I do it? You think I am a bimbette here?? Actually, don’t answer that question.
There was one more instance that I wanted to mention. And this one took the cake. I mean literally. I just wish my Bhagvad-Gita-quoting lecturers were there to see this. Sigh. So, in the midst of all the adventures of “Dancing with the Stars” land, the DJ had the wonderful suggestion of asking the guys to remove their shirts and dance along!! I wish P!NK was there too. We would have got along like a house on fire singing along to her “Who Knew?” Anyway, who knew that DJ would actually manage to use those grey cells, eh? But that’s not the point. Train your “spotlights” on two guys, both slim and hot, in their own way. One guy was bare-chested and the other had tied his shirt into a blouse kinda thing. Think the Maharashtrian fisherwoman style! And guess what the bare-chested guy was doing… Nope! He was literally licking the chest of the blouseda (can’t call him blousedy or blousedette. He wasn’t effeminate)! Yes! In front of everyone!! What? You don’t believe me? Where do you think I saw it?? In the washroom??
Are you planning to go alone to meet new people?? If you haven’t changed your mind by now, I think you need to get your IQ checked. Facebook has a lot on that. You do that while this granny is going to retire to her shell, and do some cleansing.
Until next time!
Bises
The Comic Valentino
The Comic Valentino is the pseudonym of the writer Anwesh.
