Eject the eejit!
The world, as we know it, is not perfect. It never was. It never will be. Expecting it to be perfect and hunky dory is stupid. If you have expected otherwise, YOU are stupid! If you are one of them, then turn the page. RIGHT NOW! TURN IT! Oh! You aren’t one of them? Good! Welcome to the world of the Comic Valentino! Would you like some tea? Yeah? Go make some for yourself! I just told you that the world isn’t perfect, didn’t I? Lol!
So, coming back to my stupid soliloquy which you are calmly (hopefully) reading (why even bother?), the world is not perfect. And that’s what keeps it interesting, no? One gets to meet different types of people. The good ones become friends or beautiful memories, the average ones are forgotten and the bad ones… Well, let’s just say that they make life uncomfortable for a while and, then, become good coffee table topics. YES! I bitch! You mind?
Well, these eejits come and go. Whaddya do when you face one? Just calmly eject them. Flush them out. Forget about them. Actually, don’t. Just bitch and gossip about them until you get them out of your system. The experience makes for a good laugh later. You do know that gossip is the way to bond, right? Right.
Recently, I came across a lottaeejits. And what I mean by “lotta” is A LOT OF.
The most recent one was an apparent friend of mine. He wasn’t just a friend, he was a sister. We were very good friends. We liked sharing stuff with each other. I, actually, made the point of meeting him when I visited the States this January. He came down to India for a vacation. No, he isn’t Indian. He is an American. A “firang”.A “gora”. We decided that we wanted to go on a short trip together. First stop was Goa. I didn’t, actually, get to enjoy much of Goa. Because, instead of seeing or doing things, I just heard things. Things like “You are so petty” “You are so shallow” “You are a horrid traveller” “You have no time management. And by no, I mean zero” blah blah… I mean, I went to Goa and I didn’t even get drunk! Who goes to Goa and doesn’t get drunk? I know! I am just sad! And then? “Will you come to Mumbai with me?”. Fine! I go to Mumbai to hear “Don’t talk to your friends too long. It has started to get on my nerves”. Lol! I wasn’t his boyfriend, I wasn’t sleeping with the guy, and I had to hear all that? I messaged my best friend saying how much I hated him and how annoying he was. Guess what? He read it! He didn’t want me to stay in the hotel room any longer because “How am I supposed to be sure that my passport and laptop are gonna be there when I get back?”.What kinda friend is he? I will tell you which kind. He was the EEJIT kind. What did I do? EJECT!
A good friend of mine was dating a guy. The guy was a Class A Asshole! Why? Have you ever played Hot Potato? You crave for one and crave for one and, finally, when you are handed one, you drop it because it’s too hot? You haven’t? Oh well! You suck, by the way. It’s okay. Since you are reading this article, you get a few redeeming points. Not many. Just a few. My friend was the hot potato. Every day he would get messages saying “I love you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. Can’t wait to meet you”. Exactly! They hadn’t even met and he was already getting such messages and calls. Well, my friend isn’t really known for being smart. And he fell for the boy’s “charms”. In what way that was charming, I don’t know. The entire concept is so bizarre! Have you ever watched that stupid serial called Bidaai? Oh God! Do you love it? If yes, then go stab yourself with a fork. If no, then congrats! You aren’t stupid. If you don’t know the story, then here’s a short version. There was this really ugly dark girl. Some hot fair dude dials her number by mistake and starts talking to her. The usual bickering turned to love, even though they had never met. They meet, and fall in love. The end. Of course, there is the usual parents don’t agree and all that but who cares about Hindi soaps, man? Anyway… After they met, my friend ran back to me crying. “You are a very good person, but, I am sorry, I don’t like the way you look. Maybe you should get a nose job!”. Thank God, he was ejected! Who says such things? And the “boyfriend” was, apparently, abandoned by his parents and put up for adoption! Spoilt brat! EJECT!
My project mates were another class altogether. They were the bimbo eejits. They never did any work and, then, grumbled when they hadta do work.
“What the fuck, man? You didn’t even get the first page right!”
“Why didn’t you do the Table of Contents according to the format? We have to them all over again!”
“Why are the table of Figures and the table of Contents in the end when they are supposed to come at the very beginning?”
They were instances like this:
Me – “We need to get a banner made for our project presentation”
Boy – “Okay. So, what are we supposed to do?”
Another one:
Me – “I got the Reliance NetConnect thingummy. But I can’t find a re-charge booth for it near my house. Can you get it done? Isn’t there one near your apartment?”
Boy – “It’s closed”/
Me – “Can you get it done? You know I live an hour and a half away and I have to get back”.
Boy – “No. We are too tired. Besides, you got the connection. Why don’t you get the re-charge done?”.
Yeah! I know! EJECT!
My best friend was going through a lotta issues. She quit her school because she couldn’t stand it any longer and left. She didn’t wanna go back to her hostel. Her sister had kicked her out because my friend had called her an idiot to go back to her abusive ex-boyfriend. Hence, she was depending on her friends and friends of friends to have a roof over her head every night. 2 months went by just like this. She needed to find a job, which she couldn’t because she didn’t have the same roof over her head for more than a night and she was organizing an event of International proportion. Enter one of my oldest gay friends. We had been friends for nearly 2 years. I thought I knew him well. I asked him to help me out and let her stay at his huge apartment for 3 or 4 days. I called in this favour because he owed me. He owed me big! He went shitting around entire Bangalore and I cleaned up all the mess he left behind. He knew that he owed me. Hence, at first, he agreed. The next day he said “I spoke to my flat mate. And I don’t think I would be comfortable with letting her stay for more than one night. Please understand. I don’t live alone anymore”. I was his best gay friend, his second best friend. And this is the way he treated me? He knew that he was my last option and I wouldn’t have called him unless I was desperate. I don’t like to depend on people. And, trust me, I was desperate. My best friend was a hair’s breadth close to sleeping on a park bench on the street. And he had issues! Fine! Even if his flat-mate had issues, couldn’t he take up responsibility for her? EJECT! There goes Rs 1500 which I will never see in my life again.
Do you know how apples rot? They rot from the inside. Not like other fruits or vegetables. With apples, you never know whether they are rotten or not. Quite a tragedy, and so was this other friend of mine.
She and I knew each other from first year of school. She quit school too because she couldn’t stand engineering. Her parents gave her hell, but I supported her. Who convinced her parents to pull her out of school? Who convinced her parents to let her do animation? Who convinced her parents to let her work as an intern in a bank? Yours truly did. Thank God for my verbose mouth. I am pretty sure, if given the chance, even Satan would repent and join back into God’s fold. Lol! Anyway….. This woman wanted to drink and we decided to go to this amazing pub which had 50% off on a particular day. En route, at 8:30 pm, she started getting doubts because she thought her mother and brother will follow our auto in their car. Then, she had issues with the boys staring at her in the smoking room. Which straight guy won’t stare at a pretty girl as fair as a Kashmiri with green eyes (lenses) and red lips and big boobs and dressed really pretty? Then, she said that she wouldn’t drink but just smoke cigarettes. Guess what? When the alcohol arrived, she lunged at the glasses! Even though she didn’t like the taste of certain cocktails and shots, she still kept drinking and drinking and drinking and? Drinking! She was smashed after 2 cocktails and 4 shots. “I have a crush on you but, you know what? I have a boyfriend” heard the DJ. “Aapkopatahainmeraek boyfriend hain! Aapkopatahainwohkahaankaamkartahain? ***** National Bank. Aapkopatahainwohkitnakamaatahain?80,000 dirhams.Wohmujhsebahutpyaarkartahainaur main ussebhibahutkartihoon.Aapkebiwibaacheinhain?Aapapnebiwikopyaarkartehain? (Translation: You know what? I have a boyfriend. You know where he works? ****** National Bank. You know how much he earns? 80,000 dirhams! He loves me and I love him. You have a wife and kids? Do you love her?) Blah blahblahyakkityyakkity yakyakyakkity yak” with the auto driver.
That night at 11:00 pm, “Kahaanhainwohladka???Meribetikokyapiladiyausne? Badhbaadkarkerakhdiyausnemeribetiko! (Where is that boy??? What did he make my daughter drink? He has splayed mud all over my daughter’s lily white reputation!)” ejaculated the mother! I wasn’t at home because I was at my friend’s place studying for an exam (Really! I was! Don’t believe me? Do I look like I give a shit?).
The next night I meet her and the brother (who is a chor/thief, by the way. He stole a boy’s scooty because he wanted to teach him a lesson. He was nearly caught by the police. No, the parents don’t know). They accused me of forcing the daughter to drink and blah blah. “Meribetiko message mat karna, ussemilne mat aana. Tumharasaaya mere gharkeaanganpenahinparnachahiye (Don’t ever message or try to meet my daughter. Even your shadow should not fall on our door step)”. During all this, only one thing was going through my head “My God! Filmy mom! How jobless is she? From which Bollywood movie did she mug up such dialogues? Does she have a little diary in which she notes down such crap?”. She wanted to complain to my mother but couldn’t.
2 months later, my mother calls her up due to courtesy and out comes pouring “Aapnekabhibataayanahinkiaapka beta kabhigharwaapasnahinaata? Security guard ne bhi complain kiyathakiwohraatkobahutdeyr se aatahainaurladkiyonkoghar ley aatahain (You never told me that your son never returns home in the night? Even the security guard had complained that he returns very late in the night and brings home girls) blah blah…”. Funny thing is that my mother had visited a month before this conversation took place. At that time, her mother didn’t say anything, even though they met.
I am pretty sure that if I had told her mother that her daughter had sex with her boyfriend and lost her virginity on the mother’s bed, my mornings would have been tinted with a rosy hue. What did I do instead? EJECT! There goes Rs 1200 that I will never see ever again.
Yes, I do go through a lotta drama. But hey! I told you that it makes good coffee table topics. And, as you might have guessed, I needed to vent. So what? “Will you hold it against me?” *in a Britney-esque voice*. Yes, I am shallow. And you are?
Hope you enjoyed reading it, even if it was a complete waste of your time.
Until next time
Bises
The Comic Valentino
