Indian Street Fashion… Eeeesh!

The Comic Valentino

Unlike what most of you would like to think, ‘eeeesh’ did not originate with Aishwarya Rai in Devdas. It is essentially Bengali and is used to describe a variety of emotions, but for now, let’s just stick to disgust. Now my line of vision remains bound to the streets of Bangalore, but as far as I can remember, Indian street fashion tends to vary less than slightly in the various metropolitan cities and other towns of India.

I did read in the Times of India that the crowd of Delhi and Mumbai are more fashion conscious than the crowd of Bangalore but that’s restricted to the college kids. In my ‘dissertation’, I am going to include the entire college crowd and the well-to-do adults of India and exclude the rest, because I don’t think they can be trusted with anything better other than the costumes of the overtly flamboyant cinema stars.

Whoever said it was right – visual media goes a long way to influence the fashion sense of the people. Unfortunately, our beloved Indian cinema relies more on “OMG! I love gaudy!” costumes and jewellery, and we as Indians, I can say, have lost it! I mean just because most of us can’t afford diamonds, gold, gemstones, rhinestones and silver and gold borders, doesn’t mean we substitute them for cheap loud fabrics and sewn mirrors on kurtis, shirts, tees and jeans! Whenever I walk into my ‘esteemed’ college, I don’t see people. What do I see? Guess. Can’t? Lots of curtains! Why curtains? Remember the scene in ‘Enchanted’ in which Amy Adams was cutting up Patrick Dempsey’s curtains to sew up her clothes? Only, Amy looked pretty. The Indian wannabes? Not so much! Considering that men, excuse me, boys do it more often that girls, I am glad to say I am gay. Lol!
Let me explain. While walking down the street, ever notice the kind of jeans people around you wear? If no, then you should! If yes, then congratulations! You have just passed the test on powers of observation. More often than not, all the boys around you will be wearing jeans with embroidery. Embroidery? Embroidery fit for a curtain! Can you say “Ewwww”? Till now, it is the biggest sacrilege done to the sanctity of the Church of Jeans. Poor Levi! He must be paralyzed by the number of heart attacks he goes through everyday in Heaven. And Heaven signifies eternal peace. Yeah, right!

Leaving the jeans aside, let’s delve into the world of shirts and tees. I used to think that the easiest way to commit suicide is by tying yourself to a chair and making yourself watch ‘Baabul’ thrice in a row. Apparently not! I revised my views the day I landed on my butt in college. It is to just have a glance at what people are wearing around you. You might die of incessant pain! I am sure Tim Gunn would! I nearly died one day too. Why? Because on a bright, sunny day, when I was idly walking (read rushing) to college, I saw a guy wearing… guess what? A white shirt with rose prints all over it! Now that is bearable, you would say. But what was he was wearing to cover his happy place? A pair of jeans which would have been normal if it weren’t half orange and half moss green! I underwent a Tamil transformation and screamed “Aiyyo!”. And that’s not it! Do you know what the icing on the cake is? Sources tell me that he had had two relationships with girls in his class! And I am sure they weren’t blind. That same day a professor wore a pink shirt with violet roses and violet pants! The chick in ‘The Ring’ should have worn this combo to scare her spectators. And the other day, this professor who is as swarthy and fat as Govinda with a moustache rivaling that of Prabhakaran (remember the LTTE commander in chief?) wore a ‘Let’s be sunflowers today!’ gay yellow tee with a brown and white checked hanky around his neck as a scarf! I am sure Prabhakaran must be looking down from Heaven and blessing him for continuing the dead man’s reign of terror! Now comes the age-old trick question, “Do I laugh or do I cry?”

Anyway, I could go on but you know what? I am going to give you your well deserved rest now. I can hear those sighs of relief too. Why don’t you swallow some aspirin for that headache?