By Arijeet
The diversity within the LGBT community is often overwhelming. Our sexualities aside, we often belong to communities and cultures very different from one another. And across nations, we are also separated by the differences in legal status accorded to us by the countries we live in. But if we look closely and compare notes, we will realize that we share a common ground with our compatriots around the world – our joys and fears, our inhibitions, challenges and our idiosyncrasies, are often uncannily similar. These parallels between our lives bring us together as a community allowing us to build bridges across nations and strive for the same rights all over the world. Arijeet, who has moved to the United States, examines this similarity through his conversation with Billy Q, his friendly, down-to-earth bisexual neighbor in Denver, Colorado.
Arijeet: Where were you born? Tell me a little bit about your family.
Billy Q: I was born in a small town called Taos in New Mexico into a moderately liberal Hispanic family. My parents divorced when I was about 8. My father was a school teacher; he is now retired and lives in the mountains of New Mexico. My mother now lives in a larger city, Albuquerque where she works as a nurse. I had an elder brother who passed away in 2007 at the age of 25.
A: Do you believe in God? Do you think God made you what you are with a purpose?
BQ: Yes, I do believe in God. I do believe that God made me with a purpose but I am yet to find what it is. I would want that purpose to be something that would enable me to make others lead a happier and fulfilling life because others’ happiness brings about my happiness.
A: Tell me about your childhood. What was it like growing up in your family? Did religion play an important role in your childhood?
BQ: I had a happy childhood. And growing up with my brother was good. We used to rival with each other and that was fun. We would tease each other when somebody got caught while indulging in a prank. It was a very healthy relationship. And I took an early interest in plants and animals. Whenever I saw an animal in distress, I would go and help it. I would often bring animals home and there were times when I had 5 to 6 pets at and that drove my mother crazy. And talking about religion, I am Catholic. It gave me an ethical base, telling me what was good and bad. It also made me who I am and helped me form my vision for the future. Particularly being Catholic, I got inspired by the numerous examples of saints who have put others before themselves.
A: When did you first start feeling different from the other boys?
BQ: I have always felt different. For example, I noticed other boys liked to do sports or to play war-games and I preferred to do things like gardening or playing with plants and animals. I also liked to play House and I always used to be the husband. (Smiles)
A: And when did you actually realize you were bisexual?
BQ: I’d have to say sometime in high school even though I refused to acknowledge it. I was 15 or 16. I noticed that I was doing things that other guys weren’t. For example, if a good looking guy walked by, I turned around to look at him while my friends didn’t. My reaction would often be ‘wow’ when I looked at another good looking guy.
A: When did you first date a guy?
BQ: My first kiss was in college when I was 18. I was dating a girl but it was long-distance. I hooked up with a guy and even though I knew that the relationship with him was just a fling, I went ahead with it because I needed to experiment to find out about myself and who I was. It was very hard to do because I knew that it was wrong as I was dating a girl and I didn’t want to hurt her.
I started dating the girl in high school because we had similar interests and we liked one another. We dated for a total of 8 years and I went ahead with marriage. I came out to her before we got married and I tried to explain my bisexuality to her but she was not too open about it. So, afterwards, in our relationship, I tried hard not to bring it up solely to prevent any kind of pain that it might cause her.
A: Did you feel guilty after your first sexual encounter with a guy? And if yes, how was that guilt replaced by self-acknowledgment and acceptance?
BQ: As I said, I was doing it behind my girlfriend’s back and so did feel some guilt. But at the same time I enjoyed the experience and I felt I knew more about myself. So, therefore it was something that I didn’t regret. But following the incident, I did try to ignore my sexuality, and then to hide it, because I wanted to be like everyone else. Among other things, I pretended to like adult magazines with just women in them but in reality, I really wanted to see both men and women in them. As time passed, I realised that it wasn’t really difficult to acknowledge my sexuality to myself, but it was difficult to be open to the public about it. I kept it to myself.
A: What are some of the issues you faced being bisexual when you were growing up?
BQ: I didn’t because I wasn’t out. There were open and out kids who were teased, taunted, rejected. So, that discouraged me from doing the same, particularly coming from a Hispanic Catholic family. It’s like a stain on the carpet. You can shove it under the couch and pretend it didn’t exist. On the other hand if you talked about it, then you had to do something to remove it.
A: How did marriage happen? And how do you think it affected your sexuality?
BQ: Having acknowledged my bisexuality, at that point I was looking not for a wife but a life partner, and since I knew this girl, she was the natural choice. She was someone whom I loved and wanted to see blossom into a beautiful person and I in return felt that with her, I could blossom as well. The marriage had its share of ups and downs like every relationship. I now feel that I needed to communicate better with her and not be scared of speaking out my mind. And I wouldn’t say that my marriage affected my sexuality.
A: Tell me about your separation. Can you give some reasons?
BQ: I think we would both had our reasons. Initially after separating, I thought that I had failed at being an adequate husband. But now looking back, I think we had both given up working at our relationship. Again, when I look back, I have mixed feelings. For one, I let go of someone I loved deeply. But at the same time, this has given me the freedom to explore other aspects of my life.
A: Are you dating someone now?
BQ: Yes, I’m dating a guy.
A: What is people’s usual reaction when they find out that you are gay?
BQ: Most people express happiness verbally. But at the same time, their facial expression is one of surprise.
A: And what is the usual response of a gay person when they find out that you had been married before?
BQ: Usually, they have to ask me again even if I had introduced my ex-wife to them: something like, “Wait, so you were married?”
A: Do you think gay people should marry? And given a chance, would you like to get married again, this time to a guy?
BQ: Of course, without a doubt. And yes, I would like to get married again because I want to set up a family unit with children. It doesn’t matter if it’s with a girl or a guy.
A: With all the diversity in the LGBT community, what do you think are some of the challenges we face? And how do you say we can overcome them?
BQ: I know there are many challenges. The one that stands out in my mind and something that I am fearful of is discrimination socially, professionally and religiously. By imparting more education to people, we can make a good beginning in overcoming these challenges.
A: What is your message to gay people who are struggling to balance a heterosexual marriage with their innate sexuality? Or to people who are being forced into straight marriages?
BQ: As an oppressed community, I feel the only way we can empower ourselves and make our lifestyles equal would be to not be affected by the pressures from our families or communities. We need to live our lives as we want them to be even though it may be difficult. We should not get into something that we don’t really want.
