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Tushar

What matters is that people do make an effort to come out. And come out well. Not just a “I did it, now let’s go”, but more of a “I’m here by your side, always”

Okay so you gathered up all the courage to go tell mum about it. No regrets, no guilt, no jitters. You have a plan. You are sure about this. And you are confident. Yes, yes, you ARE confident about this. After all, she’s always been there by your side, helped you out in everything you did, always supported you. You’ve never hidden anything from her, besides she’s a super cool mum, no? She’d really understand…yes she will.

And you take the plunge.

What follows this little incident, this casual conversation you just had with mum is an anxious, maybe angry, worried look, something you’ve never seen on mum’s face. You wait for a response…just one word or a sentence. She is silent, as if thinking.

And then she says it. Those few words that resound in your ears, like an echo.

“Where did I go wrong?”

A lot of us, those of us who are out, have faced such a scenario, or in case of those still in, have dreamt of such a scene happening when they plan to come out. It hurts, a lot, to see your parents in pain, for no fault of their own. You do know that nothing went wrong, God was not merciless or anything, it’s just natural. But when you see your parents like that, you do wonder yourself sometimes, “Whoa! What just went wrong?”

As has been the problem in many cases of coming out I have seen (mine included), what most of us often forget while we are so confidently marching up to our folks to say, “Hey dad and mum, I’m gay!” is the fact that even though our parents might react positively or neutrally (badly too), deep inside every parent asks themselves the same question countless times, “Where did I go wrong?”

I was recently in Istanbul to attend the Istanbul Pride 2009. Among the gaiety (pun intended) was a small group of parents leading the march, proudly flaunting badges and holding placards saying ‘Proud mother of a gay child’ or ‘I love you the same my child’. These parents were part of LISTAG (the Lambda Istanbul Parents Association), which is like a Turkish counterpart of PFLAG. An evening of pride was followed by a small dinner with the association, where I got a chance to speak to the various mothers and fathers present there. Each had a story to tell.

Parents talked about how they have always been concerned about their children, and when they found out their child was gay, lesbian or transgendered the thing that came primarily to their minds was how society will react, and accept their kids. We all know the kind of response our parents gave to our coming out, or might give when they do, but beneath that are layers; a complex thought process going on in which all they can think about is societal reaction, religious oppression, family ties, safety of their children, and a lot more.

Talking to these parents made me realize how we, the young LGBT population, have started thinking about coming out as something daring, something extra courageous. Not that I doubt it requires a lot of courage, and I actually think coming out is a very important thing, but I surely shun the thinking that goes behind the minds of many of us, something like, “Yeah I did it. In your face, everyone”. Sometimes we really need to stop and think what is the best way to do it, and the best time. We need to understand that it really isn’t that easy for our parents to accept it; we need to give them the proper time to come about and be comfortable. Many find it easier to confide in their mothers, but I have seen cases where the mothers were the ones to get extremely angry and upset, while the fathers understood and showed more compassion. It is not because they hate us, it just requires some time.

I believe that while thinking about coming out, we should not just think about parental reaction, but about their comfort, about making them feel okay about it. Most parents react badly because they blame themselves; many of them blame you and God for making you gay. In such cases, as well as cases where parental reaction is normal, I still suggest one just need to be there by their side. One sweet lady was guiding me about coming out to my parents during the Pride. I won’t forget her words ever. She said, “When my son came out to me, he told me how much he loved me, he was there by my side every time. He understood that getting used to it will take me time, and in the beginning he ensured that everything was the same as before. When he wanted to introduce his boyfriend to me I wasn’t prepared, so he just put it off till I felt at ease. We always teach our kids to be open and share things, and to be proud of who they are, what they believe in, and stand for themselves, and here I was, being a total hypocrite, hating him for who he was! It was then that I realized what I was doing; I told myself it’s time I stopped being such a wuss and came around. Slowly I realized that yes, nothing’s changed. If my son is happy, I’m happy for him. He is my teacher now, it’s not just his coming out, it’s mine too.”

And these words were truly echoed in the Italian documentary ‘Due Volte Genitori’ (‘Parents Reborn’), brilliantly scripted and filmed by Claudio Cipelletti, an Italian filmmaker. I was fortunate enough to have access to a special screening of the same, and spend some quality time with Claudio discussing his documentary, and the effect of coming out on parents. To quote him, “Different parents deal with coming out differently. All we need to realize is that coming out is a more difficult time for them than us. They are essentially worried for us. We need to make them realize it’s all going to be okay, that we know what we’re doing and that it is perfectly natural; it’s the way God made us. We need to assure them that we are confident people and can really take care of our lives, be us gay or straight. And we need to be there for them and be open to them, and make them feel welcome to discuss any issues they need to ask us about. That’s all they want, and trust me, once that happens, it’s going to be just fine”

That really got me thinking, about coming out, about parental reaction and comfort, and about society. While walking around Taksim (the hot-n-happening area in Istanbul), I bumped into my good friend Stuart Milk, nephew of Harvey Milk and a prominent LGBT rights activist himself. He had addressed a panel on LGBT rights the previous day as part of the Pride Week following a screening of ‘The times of Harvey Milk’, the documentary on which the movie ‘Milk’ is based. I begun talking to him about coming out issues, and all he had to say were a few, but extremely powerful sentences, which Harvey had quoted. He said, “Society is never going to change until it affects them. People will always have a grudge against gay people, as it goes with any other minorities, just because the definition of ‘normal’ according to them is who they are. When people realize that we are everywhere, when they realize that they have one of us in their friends, in their family, that’s when they’ll realize that we are not so different after all, we’re just people. And that’s why coming out is necessary, to let people know that yes, we exist, among you”

They say a few words can change your life… for me Stuart did the trick. To really think of it, coming out issues are innumerable, but what matters is that people do make an effort to come out. And come out well. Not just a “I did it, now let’s go”, but more of a “I’m here by your side, always”

And that’s how it goes. You just need to be there to answer their queries, to help them. Trust me, they need our support more than us needing theirs. And even if coming out seems to be a painful process, just remember, as Annette Hanshaw beautifully sung in her evergreen voice, “If you want the rainbow, then you gotta have the rain”

Ah the night rain. Nice breeze. That reminds me, I gotta wake up early and receive mum from the station in the morning. I came out to her the last time we met. I asked her to get my Pride badges and stickers I forgot back home, and without the slightest note of change in her voice she said “Ohkay dear, anything else you want from here? Love you.”

I guess it’s gonna be just fine.

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