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I’m a 21 year old guy and still confused about my sexuality. I’ve always been attracted to boys but also enjoy the company of girls, and like the cute ones… I wonder if I’m bisexual.. isn’t such confusion at this age strange? How much time will I take to decide?

If you ask me, it’s never too early or too late. Everyone has their own way of coming out and discovering who they are, what they like and how they want to be. How much time should it take for one to deice? Well, I can say (at the risk of sounding ridiculous at first) take your entire lifetime, if necessary!

Don’t fall into the trap of labels, categories and definitions. Some of us know exactly what category we fall under because we feel a certain way without any doubt or contradiction (just like a majority of our population wouldn’t have any doubt being attracted to someone of the opposite sex), and that’s great. As for those of us who don’t know exactly what we want, that’s alright too. Don’t stress out. Follow your heart, and your gut. If you are attracted to a man, approach him. If you are attracted to a woman, well, approach her too! (just not at the same time if possible!!)

At the end of the day we all know, its about the person, not their gender. So relax look at the up side, your dating pool just grew a whole lot bigger…!

I’m a lesbian and would like to know what risks I face from STDs like AIDS

To begin with, I’m really glad you asked this question. Queer health issues are not as discussed as one would like and more importantly, as one needs. I find the only thing really being discussed in regards to this is the HIV/AIDS precautions, due to its impact on the community at large. As for us, the women… I admit, there isn’t much at all.

Our health official who will be helping answer questions such as these says lesbians carry much of the same risk as any other sexually active person for unprotected sex. She should take all the precautions one would otherwise. I suggest, as India isn’t really up to speed on these issues, that you do some research online.

Here is a link you might want to check out to begin with, and once on it, put ’safer sex’ in the search bar and you’ll get what you need!

www.lesbianlife.about.com

Be safe!

I’m gay, age 22, and always keep falling for straight guys, sometimes having occasional flings with them, but of course they leave me in the end for their girlfriends. I’m always left shattered and lonely.

Hey, I hear you, and if it’s any consolation, you are in very good company!
Unfortunately, we all do it. Even when we know what lies ahead, we let ourselves get caught in the same situation. And yes, we try and tell ourselves that this one is different, and he/she really loves me etc. etc…! But the truth is, more often than not, they leave us anyway!

So the question is, why? The two most common reasons I find for this are, 1. Because they are scared about the repercussions of people finding out, and scared to think they themselves are gay in fact. Reason 2. (Harsher as it may be) More and more teenagers and young adults are looking to experiment when it comes to exploring their sexuality. It has become a part of self-discovery and/or a ‘cool’ thing to do, not to mention that being queer (In India especially at the moment) carries the appeal of the ‘forbidden fruit’. Either way, there isn’t much you can do about it. It is the individual’s choice/ point of view/ circumstance/ personal issues amongst other things, and well, you can’t control who you fall for. So I guess all one can do is, learn from each mistake and experience, enjoy the times when it’s good, be careful with yourself and don’t give your heart away TOO easily.

PS. Yes, I know, easier said than done!

I’m 20, and into this relationship since the past 6 months, and already feel the weight of it. I’m supposed to be ‘committed’ but find it now increasingly difficult to remain faithful. Honestly, I’m getting bored of my boyfriend. But he really loves me and I feel that if this relationship can’t work out nothing ever will.

First of all sweety, lighten up!! For a young fella of your age you sound awfully glum and despondent!

Secondly, you’re only 20! Don’t be too hard on yourself for not wanting commitment. There is a long way to go before you need to start thinking about any kind of long-term commitment! You have so much to explore and discover about yourself, in more than just this aspect of your life, so maybe you should try and just ‘be’ for a while. Take a break and a breath of fresh air. Spend some time just on your own to remember what that feels like too. What will come of this break, we will see. Maybe you will enjoy and realize you like just ‘being’ for now! Or maybe you will realize how much you have gotten used to your partners presence, and find that you miss that constant affection and love. Which ever it is, follow what feels right. If you aren’t happy, you won’t be able to make him happy either. So maybe spend your ‘on break’ time to think about what commitment means to you. And of course, what is it that makes you happy. Commitment does not ensure happiness. So figure this stuff out in order to know yourself.

In the short term though, talk to your partner. You never know, he might be going through the same thing you are (or will at some point). As human beings, we tend to be afraid of anything that will confine or constrain us. You just have to decide if the relationship is worth the effort of dealing with your fears. If it isn’t, be honest with your partner, and allow both of you to get on with you lives, on whichever path you choose.

I’m 22 and recently came out to my mother. She’s shattered, to put it mildly. She still thinks it’s all just a phase and worried that I’ll be ostracized by society. She wants me to get into a marriage of convenience with a lesbian and never tell anyone that I’m gay. How do I convince her?

Sounds to me like your mother is just really scared for you, and with good reason.

Here are a couple of things I think you should do, and I promise they’re all tried and tested! Firstly, give her some time to get used to the idea of you being gay and knowing it’s real. Use this time to get the ‘it’s a phase’ idea out of her head and express your appreciation and understanding with regards to her worries. From now on regularly remind her of two things; one, how important it is to you that she accepts you as your true self and two, how much you need her support and intend on giving her all of yours, when she needs it. (Think about it, she is probably as worried about what the implications of this will be on her and her world. That’s scary for her too, so tell her you are there for her at all time and that you wish it didn’t have to be this hard on her.)

Secondly, once you feel she is more at ease with the topic at hand begin talking about it to her, in a matter of fact, conversational kind of way. Make it normal for her, because it is to us. Tell her about the various support groups, your gay friends, upcoming pride and everything else that will allow her to realize there is a whole gay world out there and you are not alone in this fight.

Lastly, get her to see that its not about wanting to flaunt your sexuality, but about being allowed to be yourself and happy, openly. About having the same rights as any other human being, including the right to choose who you love. I truly believe that in the end, the thing most important to our parents is our happiness, so let her know that being gay is who you are and even if it comes with a fight, happiness and love make it worthwhile. If you can get her to see why you would rather pick living your life truthfully and happily, fighting for your freedom and happiness, over living it in the darkness, unhappily but without struggle, I think you guys will be fine!

(You can mail your questions to agonyaunt@pink-pages.co.in)

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