I’m a 30 year old working professional, I’m gay and got married 5 years back. Also, I have a daughter who is 3 and a half years old. Actually I took a long time to accept my sexuality, I can’t explain the reasons but yeah, I’ve accepted my it now. All this was mainly because I grew up in a small town.
I told my wife 6 months back about me ,she was shattered to start with but she is now cool. We share a very good bond ,like good friends, but this thing always keeps coming between us. I don’t have an answer to this issue now, I’m not feeling happy ,infact I’m rather depressed and it’s affecting my life badly. It’s very difficult to spend life like this, and I won’t be able to do justice to her,and can’t be happy myself .
I’m not bothered at all about soceity or my parents,I just think about my wife. We decided to let things go like that,but it’s not working out. I can avoid sex ,it is difficult for me but I’m trying ,but it’s not just about sex, it’s about how I feel ,I need intimacy,like I need to hold someone’s hand… I need a guy , I can’t be intimate with a woman anymore. I can’t go with xyz and sleep,it hurts me ,but i don’t know what should I do. The options are clear infront of me ,but both are very difficult to accept.
Dear Queer Married Small-town Dad,
You say that you are unhappy and sexually unfulfilled in your marriage, despite having come out your wife. You should also accept that your wife is likely to feel exactly the same way
It seems that your wife will prove to be your greatest ally in shifting towards happiness in both your lives. First, accept that there is no one key solution to instantly transform your situation on the outside. On the inside, however, you can decide to be happy right now, by being honest with yourself. Accept your weakness: It is ultimately you who agreed to wed this woman. Accept your strength: It is you decided to respect your wife enough to tell her the truth. Now that you share parenthood together, it also seems that your wife is willing to maintain a strong bond of friendship. Be as honest with her as you can, and you might be surprised at her resilience and acceptance, given that she has agreed to stand with you thus far. Both of you will have to accept that your marriage cannot mimic that of your parents. By building on your honesty and trust, you can transform your relationship into one that provides a happy and caring environment for all your family. Moreover, both you and your wife deserve to have sexually fulfilling lives. Hence, you have to be open to re-negotiating the terms of your marriage. You must both appreciate that you are not destined for a traditional marriage.
Next, be honest with your daughter. Children are extremely malleable and forgiving. Learning about the various ways that her father expresses love would not disappoint your daughter. Teach your child that each and every human is different and perfect. Certainly there are Internet resources to assist you in age-appropriate means to speak to children about sexuality in general so that youth never learn to be ashamed of their own bodies, let alone our many differences in race, caste, gender, class and sexualities. Specific to your circumstances, Ramon Johnson has a great article on About.com called ‘Coming out to kids’. Johnson’s article reminded me of how coming out to my own nieces and nephews put my whole family at ease. Moreover, it would be harder to unlearn shame, than just teaching your daughter to be proud, tolerant and respectful of all human beings. It will be like coming out all over again, but this time trust yourself enough that you will teach your daughter to have the sort of courage you lacked which landed you in a marriage on false terms.
Lastly, please vigilantly practice safer sex with all your partners, including your wife. Given the emotional trauma of coming out to your self and those near you, the last thing you need is the additional trauma of compromised physical health. Certainly, the awkwardness you may feel in establishing, for example, a condom only policy, is well worth protecting the health and welfare of yourself, and your child’s mother. Your family should not bear the brunt of your misjudgments. Yet, as my mother always says: ‘No man is an island’. This means that you must bring folks near upon whom you can rely as you go about your journey of self-recovery. Find a space of fellowship where you can experience spiritual acceptance. Just remember, you deserve to be happy.
In Solidarity and love,
Lavender Bodhisattva
(Send in your questions to Lavendar Bodhisattva at askpeerqueer@pink-pages.co.in)
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