Aham
“I had been through the straight path, it didn’t suit me. So here I am, GAY. Cock sure now! 100% gay.” this conversation with one’s inner self is what many of us engage in. I have spoken to many people who have walked the “straight” path to discover “finally” that they don’t belong to that space. Though scientists have said time and again, that our genes determine our sexual orientation, there always a thought lingering in our minds about “circumstantially imbibed homosexuality.”
I “was” Bi, I “am” Gay!
Though, not all Indian parents discuss sex and sexual preferences at the dinner table, we are given to believe, consciously and subconsciously, that we will grow up to have a happy married life… husband-wife-kids et al. We accept this without question, without doubt. And this subconsciously plays up all through our lives. The worldview becomes our view. And that view aligns itself so very befittingly in our being that it sometimes takes eons to excavate our true self from this complex collage of infused attitudes.
I have a friend; his name is “A” – a man who was “successfully” married to a woman. (How I gauge success? Well, he has 2 children. And also, the kids look like him. That’s stands testimony, doesn’t it?) “A” had a colorful life. He enjoyed the best of both worlds. He was a regular at Gay parties and didn’t ever reach late for the very pampering Karva Chowth. He ambled on parallel lanes… and managed it efficiently to ensure that both don’t meet even in the farthest sight. I heard from our common gay pals that he is extremely virile when on the act with them. He also seemed to have settled well with his wife. All was hunky dory with his life until the day he went in a quest of his true self. It looked like a classic case of familiarity breeding contempt. He suddenly didn’t like the company of his wife. He was impulsive and repulsive with his kids. “Not that I was in love with a guy” he said “but am just bored of playing to the gallery”. Eventually, he ended up with a divorce for reason that was not homosexuality but bigamy. He got a friend of his to play the role of the “other woman” and staged his way out of the marriage. “Why did you marry at the first place”, I asked him. He replied “I was bisexual”. I was amazed at his matter-of-factly reply. How simple it is to swing both ways and finally decide which way is yours! “What about the lives of others who are affected by this choice?” I wondered.
I mulled over this puzzling issue for quite some time. I looked for answers outside, whereas actually, the solutions lied within. I did a thorough introspection of my feelings. (Me- an out and about gay man) I was drawn to the age when my older cousin had a fetish for bosoms. He used to narrate the sexpisodes with heavily breasted women with utmost passion. Much so, I used to imagine of the woman. This was often coupled with some anatomical responses in my body which result in me adjusting myself to disallow full preview. “Was I straight then?” I wonder. When I turned from boy to man, it was hip to have a girlfriend. Chasing skirts was an everyday quotidian for my group of friends. I followed the troop. Neither did I enjoy what they did, nor did I enjoy aping them. Passing comments and discussing orgasms about and with the opposite sex wasn’t something that I was good at. But still I ended up fooling my colleagues to believe that I am like them- Straight.
It took some time for me to allow my innate sexuality to emerge undisguised. I started interacting with my kind- gay men. That facilitated a greater understanding of the simple issue of sexual orientation that we strive to make complex with stiff mindsets.
I pass not a verdict, but express my understanding… I feel homosexual habits and homosexuality are two different things. There is thick distinction between the two. Let’s take an imaginary example, we often hear of handsome groups of gay hostellers. The question that dwells in our minds are “did they become gay after close proximity with other boys?…”. (What a great coincidence it would be if they were all gay by birth and met one day at the hostel!) I presume that hostellers, young and libidinous, would feel the void for a woman to satiate their fantasies. Engaging in homosexual acts with peer and near might just be a means to quench this thirst. The person might not be a homosexual, but might be engaging in homosexual acts. This could be well termed as “Homosexual Habit” whereas not the persons innate orientation.
Speaking about sexual orientation, let me take my own example, my first sexual fantasy was not about a person from the opposite sex. As adolescence set in, my hormones naturally reacted to the sight of handsome hunks. I did appreciate the beauty of the opposite sex, but (without mincing words…) bulges appealed to me and not bosoms.
I have heard the statement myriad times by people who support gay rights “everyone has the right to choose to be gay”. The reality is that “We didn’t choose to be gay. We were born this way.”
It takes a lot of courage to take your stand. But nothing’s as fulfilling as being what you are.
There are no bi lanes to gayness. Let us not let society bi the gay.
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I was disappointed to read this article. The author seems to be extrapolating from his experience and those of his acquaintances to conclude there is no such thing as a bisexual orientation. There are thousands of us who are testament to reality of bisexual orientation. I hope pink-pages will give voice to the bi and trans folks and not just the gay and lesbian folks.
The author makes an effort to point out the difference between homosexual "habits" and homosexuality (orientation) claiming the latter is innate and the former the result of circumstances. Even granting that this dichotomy is valid, what are we fighting for? The fight to read down Section 377 is about decriminalizing same-sex behavior. It doesn't matter whether the behavior is engaged in by the innately homosexual/bisexual person or if it is situational, engaged in by someone who is doing it in a context where members of the opposite sex are not around (hostels, army, etc.). So, ultimately it doesn't matter if people are born homosexual or acquire a homosexual "habit" – it suffices that it should not be criminalized, as long as they are adults and whatever they do is consensual.
I have not chosen to address the dismissal of bisexuality because it has already been addressed in a previous response: suffice it to say that the author needs to educate himself on bisexuality – on which there is a substantial literature. The classic anthology "Bi Any Other Name" by Loraine Hutchins and Lani Ka'ahumanu would be a good place to start.
Individual confusions should not come into arriving at a generalisation. One MAY choose to suppress one's attraction for the opposite sex to ape the gay norms, but one CANNOT deny the fact that opposite sex was capable enough of inciting him/her at some point of time, if it had been the case. Being a gay myself, I cant remember any bi lanes I had to scramble through. And I wont deny the existence of them either, unlike the author.
I have read hundreds of times people saying that straight guys were having sex with a guy because they were seduced or they lacked the opportunities of having it with girls. I believe a guy cannot be called as straight if he is attracted to even a single guy in his entire lifetime.
I totally disagree with the imaginary example.
why is everybody suggesting bi-phobia? the article only talks about ppl who really are gay, and not bisexuals!
No, the articles goes on to generalize from the author's personal experience and from those anecdotes he cites that "there are no bi lanes to gayness". Let's say that a guy comes up to the author (or someone who is influenced by his articles) and says that he is bi. The automatic tendency from the biphobic gay would be to suspect the genuineness of the guy's bisexuality. Phrases like "you're just gay and haven't accepted it yet", or "bi now gay later" reflect the lived experience of gay men who have initially identified themselves as bi before moving on to a gay identity. Unfortunately they (and I'm taking the liberty of including the author of the article in this) are guilty of projecting their own experience on to anyone who identifies as bisexual and questioning the genuineness of their sexuality.
I also agree fully with Inaayat's point: how many gay guys would say they went ahead and agreed to let a woman given them a bj just because there were no guys around? One definitely has to have a spark of attraction to engage in the behavior. Calling these men 'straight' is often simply the result of gay mens' fantasies around seduction and conversion, and the valorization of masculinity implicit in calling someone straight. In fact, calling them straight is itself an act of biphobia because it refuses to acknowledge the spectrum of sexual attraction.
okies, i have read d above article and comments several times, and i agree Rishi's point, though I dont deny the others' POV on Bisexuality. I am just getting curious more and more about Bisexual ppl, like .. how do they sort out the dilemma to choose the partner (not for sex, but partner as in for a sufficient long time) ? ! Can anybody come up with such personal account and not the facts or the mentionable plots of some novels or books ? Well, I know I cant urge like this cuz most of the ppl like not to mention their personal lives in public forum..
Pathetic bi-phobic article. Dunno how it got to make it to Pink Pages.
first of all, it's very immature to draw generalizations from your own personal experiences, because they are too personal to be general, and one should undrestand it very clearly.
most of things i wanted to say has already been said. Of course how can you deny the fact that opposite as well as a same sex individual was capable enough of inciting you at the same point of time, and more importantly why do you need to deny one of them….why can't this sexual attraction spectrum can be broad enough to accomodate all kind of orientation that exist.
Replying to Arijit's query on choosing a partner for long term, I think it's very simple. you go for the one you are in love with. The way evry other individual does, the way a staright guy go for a girl, he is in love with, and a gay guy go for a guy he is in love with. where is the confusion. ohh, wait your confusion is whether to go for a girl or a guy, but then how does it matter. If a straight guy gets into relationship, he is never sure if he would be able to continue with the same girl till death, he might go for 10 different girls in a life time, then why not a bi can go for 5 guys n 5 girls in a lifetime. wher is the need to be sure and definite and to stick to one sex….why can't it be open and let it flow the way it goes.
I know one bisexual guy who got married to a woman but later got divorced and got into relationship with a guy n then again he broke up n now he is with a girl n going to get married sometimes soon. he is around 50 now. It would have sounded better to biphobic people if it was woman and again woman and again woman or man and again man and again man instead of a woman, man and then again a girl, isn't it?
BULL SHIT…
BISEXUAL’S ARE AS MUCH A PART OF THE LGBT AS THE OTHER LGT
ITS 1/4 atleast in the word space.
Keep up the good work, I hope it pays off
Hey! Excellent concept, but might this really function?
I would like to comment you for your good work on this entry. I hope you keep on coming up with constructive posts like this one. We are also working on our blog and I have already bookmarked some of your posts. Best wishes. Peter
Very great post. Honest!
Many researchers have long been skeptical about whether or not bisexuality is a distinct and stable sexual orientation. In 2005, a team of psychologists in Chicago and Toronto directly measured genital arousal patterns in response to images of men and women. The psychologists found that men who identified themselves as bisexual were in fact exclusively aroused by either one sex or the other, usually by other men! The contention of the lead author of the above study Dr. J. Michael Bailey is that despite so much of advocacy for bisexuality researchers were unable to produce direct evidence of bisexual arousal patterns in men. However he adds "I'm not denying that bisexual behavior exists, but I am saying that in men there's no hint that true bisexual arousal exists, and that for men arousal is orientation." (source: 'Straight, Gay or Lying? Bisexuality Revisited'– -http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/05/health/05sex.html?pagewanted=1)
As far as the above article is concerned the author(aham) has clearly stated "I pass not a verdict, but express my understanding…" That makes it his opinion. In any case there is no need to label the article biphobic as the author is talking about those who claim bisexuality but actually are either situational homosexuals(habitual homosexuals) or homosexuals who are either ambivalent about their homosexuality or simply closeted. These people endanger the identity of genuine bisexuals(who I believe are very less in number). Also he is talking in the Indian context(his personal experiences). Who can deny that 80% of gay men in India are married & 90% of this crowd is actively gay outside their marriage? Now does that make them bisexual? The word is unfaithful. This of course a euphemism.
i guess the author was trying to say that his friend was actually gay but misunderstood himself to be a bi-sexual. he is not against bisexuality. it has happened quite a few times with me also. i do get attracted to some girls rarely. and i get confused does that mean i am gay or a bi?