Pink Pages

Tushar M

Roy Sinai is an upcoming Bangalore-based photographer who jumped into this domain just recently, leaving behind a successful career as COO in Mphasis and shifting his base from New York to India. Tushar talks to Roy as he tells us about his life, his career-shift, coming out, and of the old times when gay harassment was at its peak.

Roy Sinai

Pink Pages: Tell us a bit about your background

Roy: I’m basically a Goan, and am the eldest son in my whole extended family. I studied at Harvard, majoring in Economics. I’ve lived in eight countries as my father was in the Foreign Service. At 22, I joined Citibank in New York and was part of the project that involved building India’s first ATM network.

Pink Pages: And the sudden shift into the world of photography?

Roy: I was working as COO, a proper executive job, something that I knew was a major achievement in my life. But something was amiss; I felt like I needed to take a sabbatical. I took a 6 month break during which I learnt Photography at the International Centre for Photography in New York. I might actually call it a mid-life crisis. I felt the need to evaluate direction, and re-evaluate my goals. I didn’t have children to put in college; I didn’t need to be part of the system for once.

My photography begun from scratch, and in an arena where everyone else is in their mid 20’s, it has been hard, but fun, to be able to catch up. I liked the prospect of starting my photography in India as it’s just started catching up here, and with visual media being one of the most sought after fields, I think it has an immense potential.

Pink Pages: So why Bangalore?

Roy: I initially shifted because the company headquarters were here. My grandparents have lived here all their lives. Plus, there is an immense creative potential in India. Being all by yourself here is a feeling in itself; you don’t feel loneliness here, but solitude. I had decided to shuttle between US and India, but it never worked out the way I wanted.

Pink Pages: Tell us about your coming out experience.

Roy: When I was 26, I had written a letter to my boyfriend and foolishly left it on the table. As was expected, mum and dad read it The point of coming out is to rise up to the challenge truthfully; of being accepted and not rejected. “Do you want me to live a lie?” I asked them when I came out. “I told you this because I want you to give me the support I need to fight this, together. I want your love.”
Coming out to myself was much more difficult, I’ll say. In those times we didn’t have the internet, or mobile phones. We used to have house parties outside at which I used to invariably end up fleeing from the door. I finally had the courage to go ahead one fine day. To my horror, I discovered that more than half the crowd there consisted of married men; here I was finally accepting myself, and I find myself in a room full of hypocrites!

Pink Pages: So why, according to you, is coming out important, that too in the present day scenario with homosexuality becoming more acceptable?

Roy: As far as society goes, ideas can be changed, culture evolves. The younger generation is more receptive of ideas, and hence we need to ensure that we cause a change in the ideas of those who will make up the society; whose attitudes will be the whole society’s attitudes. 70% of Indian population is under 25, meaning a lot more youth consciousness. Our schedules, our agendas are different. Youth today can be influenced in many ways, good or bad. The fact here remains is to not be invisible, and to not allow prejudice to continue happening. “You cannot be gay” are the words that come out of a prejudiced person. We need to chop that prejudice and give way to understanding. Because of their love for us and deeper understanding, when they know someone close to them is gay, they go up in arms to fight for us, showing support, because they can see that we’re not that different from others. The point here lies in being seen; in not being invisible. The timing is now, and change can happen.

Pink Pages: Tell us about the blackmail experience and how things used to be way before gay rights were in focus.

Roy: Financial independence emboldened me to do something about my curiosity. I created a new identity for myself, complete with its own history and another name to share with others who, like me, cruised strange and dark places in cities around the country, especially when travelling on work. My two identities were watertight, and I thought quite safe, even from each other. It was a schizoid existence, made even more exciting by how cleverly I could fool everyone. But with the excitement came fear. And worse still, lies. My career continued its rapid rise, the stakes got higher, the efforts to conceal more elaborate.

Then the shit hit the fan. I met a guy who connected the dots and boldly appeared at my office one day to ask for some help. It was a small request at first. A few thousand rupees. The shiver of fear that went through me the first time he walked into my office — half-smiling, eyes shining coldly as he made his proposition — had me dry in the mouth, heart racing. He was very polite, but very firm in his request. Not wanting to create a scene or a confrontation, I capitulated. The blackmail continued. My blackmailer would appear with increasing frequency.

And then one fine day I just could not take it anymore. It took a great deal to first accept myself, gather up the courage to fight this harassment. I went and consulted my lawyer, rather than staying in hiding and being harassed more. We set up a trap and he was caught by the police, who later on found that he was a serial blackmailer and had a whole list of VIPs on his list. I did cross paths with him once after the incident, where he hurled abuses, to which I replied that he could go on and tell everyone about me, because now everyone knew. I think that is when he realized that he could no longer harass me. Fear comes from within. During my time, 377 had not been amended, and the law was not on my side. Today, the law is on our side, and that’s what should encourage people to come out, so that once can live without the fear, of being harassed, of being prejudiced against.

Pink Pages: So what kind of themes do you like to portray through your photography?

Roy: Commercially, I do all kinds of photography, architectural being primarily dominant. But personally I like doing portraits. I like exploring the geography of the face, trying to bring out the truth and honesty in it. Spaces, faces, and places that’s what my photography is basically about. I like to think that what’s outside is a reflection of what’s on the inside. I dabbled in all fields to find out what my calling was; yes money was limited and photography did deplete my resources to an extent, but I guess that comes with everything that you begin from scratch.
I don’t want to be known as a photographer who’s gay or who shoots gay themes; that is just part of what I do. My main motive is to help people become more self aware; more understanding of their prejudices. I aim to empower people and make them introspect through my photography and other artistic ventures. When truth becomes your compass, one is able to keep moving in the right direction even in difficult and detrimental situations. “You are the change you look for”, said Gandhi, and that’s what we need to realize. Uniqueness exists in all systems, and all we need to do is realize that everyone is a unique facet of our society, and that without this uniqueness no society can exist, and without acceptance neither can we co-exist.

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