The Perfect Relationship

Niket writes about the ups and downs of young gay love- the trials and tribulations, the joys and tears, in the process discovering just what it takes to make a relationship perfect.

Come on and let it show!

Being in a relationship is now such an El Dorado, especially in the gay community where being in one is looked upon as the ultimate goal of one’s personal live. But why do we seek a relationship, preferably a long term committed one? Is it because society dictates so or is it that being in a relationship gives a strong political statement to all those opposing gay marriages, or is there something stronger – a deeper part of our inner being that makes us want to find someone to spend our lives with. Also if it’s one of our strongest wants why finding a perfect relationship is so difficult for many gay men while almost everyone has a best friend.

Friendships and relationships are two seemingly different concepts, but are in fact so alike that it seems the only difference between a best friend and a life partner is the physical intimacy shared between the couple, and if they are so similar then why does building a relationship seems so incredibly difficult whereas making friends is easy, and even best friendships do form without all the drama involved between the people in a relationship.

Oscar Wilde once said. “A man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth.” I believe this to be the reason we all seek companionship, friendship, relationships that is, to find a person apart from the rest with whom we could be ourselves without the mask, who accepts us as we are and in whose company we feel good, at peace and happy.

But as we all know relationships don’t come easy especially in the gay community. We are quite ill-famed for being promiscuous and for being unable to form long term relationships. Let us try to understand why this is so and in the process maybe we would be able to gather some pearls of wisdom for ourselves. Followings is the story of two best friends Mr. X & Mr. Y and their journey towards finding a perfect life partner and the various ups and downs they had to go through in their journey towards finding love.

They were both young when they started looking, one was in his late teens & the other in the middle, both came from similar families, were raised in similar environments, went to the same school and were intact so alike that they ended up being the best of friends. The outcome of their search for love however was quite different. So come along let’s take a look into their lives and see what happened.

The curse of virgin love

Many cultures through the world teach that one should remain a virgin till they get married, although the idea seems absurd in the modern world there seems to be some substance in it. As I am quite sure many of us remember the first guy we had sex with, and most if not all did fall in love with him. This sensation of falling in love with the first person with whom one has mutual intimate relationships seems to be the reason behind the “remain a virgin till they get married” philosophy.

It happened so with both Mr. X and Mr. Y that at a young age they fell in love. Mr. X had just moved to a new city to start off his college education, he met a charming young man through the miracle of the internet, they went on a couple of dates before falling into bed together, and that weekend was the beginning of Mr. X’s first love. As for Mr. Y, the guy he fell in love with for the first time was someone he had met at a friend’s party, they both found a common interest in each other and ended up in the sack the next day. Since it was Mr. Y’s first time with anyone he instantly fell in love with this guy not knowing that the other guy was well versed in the art of seduction and intimate contacts so much so that for him it was nothing more than a one night stand. But Mr. Y was in love, and remained so for a long time, denying all rational thought which said there the other guy was not interested in anything more. After spending countless nights awake wondering why the other guy was not responding to his calls, why would he not show any interest, trying to understand what can he do to show the guy how much he loved him, indeed doing everything he could to make the other guy love him, Mr. X finally accepted that pursuing this ghost of love any further was useless and he moved on.

Meanwhile Mr. Y was having a wonderful time, for the first time ever in his life he had a boyfriend whom he loved very much and it seemed that the feelings were mutual. All the things expected in a relationship such as commitment, adoration and peace came naturally; there was no one else with whom he would rather be. For Mr. Y there was no one else, no other was needed for his guy was enough. But alas, this young love too was not meant to last, the guy as it turns out was bi-sexual and his long term plans included getting married and having a wife and kinds. Mr. Y when he came to know of this was devastated and heartbroken, something that seemed so right was ending so soon and that too because the other guy was too chicken to come out, and settled instead to creating a straight life for himself such that society would accept.

Both Mr. X and Mr. Y eventually did recover from their first love and went on to have other relationships but that’s a story for next time. Meanwhile their first love was never forgotten and even though they moved on they still remember their first time with both fond and bitter memories. Why is it that we seek love in our teens even though there is a whole vast world to sample, why do we then want to settle down with one person this early in life, maybe the reason is that in all of us the need to find a companion at a young age in ingrained in our subconscious, a companion with whom we could be ourselves with without a mask, a companion around our own age with whom we could both grow together as one, understanding and learning about the world and each other, being the one who understands the other better than they do themselves all because they grew up together as one. Just imagine how wonderful your life would be of this were to be so.

(This was the first article in a series on gay relationships. In the next issue this column will deal with a different aspect of the same.)