The Dating Extravaganza

By Abhijeet

If one were to surf the net for dating tips, preferably on YouTube, they would find a guy sitting half naked (I know) and giving bull advice which never works anyway. So, after I had my share of disastrous dates thanks to those guys, and a fair hand of my own stupidity, I decided to write this, which is what the title says it is.

Let’s begin with the initial ‘hello’. If you meet him on a dating site, then there’s pretty much nothing to be concerned about your appearances or impressions. But do try to be witty. This is for all those who are not looking for a one night stand, by the way. And the thing about being witty is, don’t try too much, because that translates as bore. Now, if you were to meet face to face, then it’s a whole different story. The important thing is to expect nothing. Smiles are free of cost, and you get to stay healthy. So do that. Not too much, as you don’t want to look like you have a hanger stuck in your mouth.

So you guys have agreed to have coffee. You walk together. Compliment his attire. Gay men have awesome sense of style, I needn’t say that, but in the rare case that his fashion sense is scandalous and you feel the moral obligation to “help” him, don’t. Ever. At least not the first time you see the guy. Also, never ever, ever check him out when he is looking. We are guys, and it might be what many want, but speaking from experience, some might get offended and an awesome date may be the cost of your straying eyes. Affection is not cheesy. Being macho is such a turn off for the majority. Be normal. And while talking, don’t ever pry. And an occasional touch works wonders. Preferably in the wrist. But never come off too strong and give off the impression that you are looking for an easy lay.

While talking, do listen. And not think R rated thoughts about the guy. Generally, be a captive audience. When you speak, stay clear of exes and relationships in general. As far as you guys are concerned, this is just the first meeting. Let’s call it stage 0. And be interesting. Interesting in the sense, you need not know trivia about the world wonders or all that. Being a positive person who does not irritate the other guy is enough. And hint subtly that you have a crazy streak in you. Like tell him that story when you went freaky on the beach, or something. It’s essential that you let him know that you are not a weirdo and have not too much baggage.

So, coffee is over, and you like him. Hopefully he likes you too. Don’t sleep with him. Then he becomes a one night stand. You ask him out for the official date. Even if it’s the other way round, it doesn’t matter. Because you have a date now! Don’t wear a tee. It’s too casual. A form fitting shirt will do. Jeans is better as we don’t want it to be too formal. Make sure your perfume lasts for a long evening. Floss and mouthwash are your new best friends. Also don’t forget your nails. My personal favourite, colourless lip gloss. Works wonders.

So you reach the place, and he is waiting, and it is romantic as hell. Quick hug, enough to let him know that you are wearing an amazing perfume. No groping. Holding hands is sweet and obviously he expects it too. When you find his hands are fumbling a lot, casually, take hold of it, and comment about the weather. We are getting to the important bits now. Do not ever try to be suave or sophisticated. It never works. Moreover, he will get the worst impression that you are trying to intimidate him or something and there goes the evening. Also, slight flirting does not hurt. But watch his reactions. If he doesn’t seem interested in sex on the first date, don’t push. Give him time. If something were to happen between you guys, the best thing you need to give each other is to be understanding. He might be a guy to wait for. Don’t freak the guy out with talking about love and all. It is too soon. Stay clear of all things “committed”.

Of course, now would not be a good time to abuse your exes verbally. If you feel something, keep it to yourself. Even if the feeling were mutual, don’t blabber. Nothing seems more desperate and it will sound creepy. Those are second-date discussion topics. So, be yourself. You have your natural charm. Use it. Also, create funny situations, if they present themselves only, do not ever make fun of anything or anyone. No bragging about yourself or ciggie, if he is a non smoker. Don’t joke too much, or it turns awkward. And the general rules of honesty and non-vanity works here too. So you had an amazing evening, and you dropped him off or vice versa. Then the awkward moment. Do you kiss? Is it too slutty? Yes and no. You kiss, or else it becomes a friends’ dinner. You are in the car. Look at him, in the eyes. Trust me, he’ll get the message. And don’t eat his face. Watch You Tube tutorials if you are doubtful of yourself. No tongue for the first minute. And no straying hands. For heavens’ sake, no groping. Stroke his neck, be sweet rather than carnal. It’s just the first date. Do your kissing, and get out. You both will be too flustered to talk about your second date. By the time you fall into your bed, you get his text: “It was amazing. Thanks.” Text away and create your second date. Overanalyze and lose sleep for the night. Laugh at odd moments. The amazing process called dating!