Anahita Sarabhai discusses gay love and bonding- in a society that’s still not used to same-sex relationships. Also how is a gay relationship different from a straight one anyway?
“…..so what’s it like for you guys? It’s basically just an intense friendship right??”
Ummm. No.
One of my closest friends asked me this the other night. She is an educated, exposed, articulate woman and has been a friend of mine for a long long time. I can safely say she is not a homophobe. Why then, would she assume that my relationship with a woman is just an intense friendship, while hers with a man, is clearly so much more?
More than just friends!
We live in a homosocial nation. Men and women hold hands in public all the time –with their friends of the same gender, that is. In most other countries, this would imply an inordinate proportion of homosexuals. But in ours, homosexuality has nothing to do with it. We hold hands to symbolize our friendship. We hold hands, to fulfill our human need for physical affection. One that, as we all know, we cannot entertain in public with members of the opposite sex. So it’s okay for men to hold hands with men and women to hold hands with women, and when it comes to talking about sex… ah! There’s the rub!
Now, when we talk about queer sex, what it boils down to is a lack of imagination really! Most people in India do not want to/ cannot imagine two people of the same gender doing more than hold hands or hugging. They cannot picture the potential of sex there – why would they? When even sex between a man and a woman is already so ‘taboo’?
So in answering my friend’s question, let me try and explain why a queer relationship is not just an intense friendship. For one thing, we have sex! Unless straight people have redefined what it means to be platonic, sex is not part of a friendship. Intense or otherwise. Some people though, would not consider our physical relationships to be ‘sex’.
Being that sex is most often defined as an act between a man and woman. But trust me, those of you out there who adhere to this definition, you don’t know what you’re talking about!
More than just friends!
What is sex besides a physical embodiment of your connection to another person? The most primal of human instincts, whether it is in the context of a committed relationship or a one night stand, sex is about two people who choose to express their attraction physically. The object (for those of us who are not bound by religious beliefs here) is the orgasm. The climax. The intimacy it creates. The bond it symbolizes. So, if all those conditions are met, sex it is. And we have it.
So if we have sex. And we have love. And we have commitment. What makes our relationships any different from those our straight friends have? What is the missing element in our relationships that have them classified as ‘intense friendships’?
I hope my friend gets her answer here. That she is able to get past socially defined conventions about relationships and human connections. Society can and so very often does limit our freedom of thought. We do not know why we believe so many things we think we do. Even the most educated and open minded of us. There are no simple solutions to this. Time, is the best one. Time and the desire to understand and accept. To ask the questions. And then, once we have asked them, to really listen to the answers.
All gays and lesbians are born with curse and we need to live with it till we bearthe the last! I'm bearing it every moment and tired now
@ lostincrowd,
I am sorry that you feel that you are burdened by a curse.
Ya, u shud not feel this way…It is who u are…
You may look upon it as curse or boon as per your personal point of view! For someone who has no courage (inherent or left) would look upon it as curse and someone who would go against all odds, criticism and conservationalism to be himself or herself would appreciate his or her being. Word "Gay" is just a label. Keep worrying about unimportant opinionated comments of some homophobes or embrace yourself.